


don't let me fall (let the nighttime come this way)

by combustible



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5+1 Things, Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu - Freeform, Alcohol, Bokuto Koutarou/Miya Atsumu - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Happy Ending, I guess there is a mention of Underage sex, Its just a soft lovestory tbh, Kai was everyone's gay awakening, Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru - Freeform, Light Angst, M/M, Nekoma, Past AranKuroo, Past One-Sided KenHina, Recreational Drug Use, There's light smut but really nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:56:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26323753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/combustible/pseuds/combustible
Summary: Kai is the sun in the middle of winter, not too bright, not too warm (sometimes not warm at all, even), but he’s here, allowing life to continue under his attentive smile, and most importantly, he never judges, he only welcomes in, with open arms: the ones who are too energetic, too passionate or too broken, all of them.So you must be asking yourself,when did Kenma realize he had a crush on Kai?or the five times Kenma attends a Nekoma reunion (+ the one time he organises it)
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kai Nobuyuki
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	don't let me fall (let the nighttime come this way)

**Author's Note:**

> hello beautiful people,  
> so,,, yeah, i'm back with this, whatever this is, but let me tell you THIS, is a SWEET SOFT LOVE STORY of two guys falling in love over two decades. they're slow what do you want me to say.  
> okay i am proud to create the tag for the kenkai ship and i hope you will like them as much as i enjoyed writing them!!!
> 
> tw : alcohol consumption, recreational drug use, mention of underage sex (basically osaaka did the do after nationals so i guess it counts as underage but it's only briefly mentioned) 
> 
> each part is named after a song by coeur de pirate.

  
  


_That gentle voice has power to soothe_

_when troublous thoughts arise_

_like secret foes to mar our peace,_

_and dim life’s sunniest skies._

\- Daniel Augustus Drown

  
  


.

**_i. somnambule_ **

_(the 2014 nationals)_

  
  


.

  
  


The ball crashes on the floor and there's nothing they can do to stop its trajectory. Its path is set in the same way planets are bound to move in one definite direction for millenia, until they come crashing against each other.

It's inevitable. 

He won't be fast enough, no one will. 

And with the chant of the final whistle blown by a completely poker-faced representative, it's over.

“You fought well,” Kuroo tells him when his team escapes the changing rooms and the wind comes crashing against the skin of his face in a painful bite.

He’s sincere, almost proud and his smile is genuine -if he lied, Kenma would know. 

“Thank you,” the smaller boy simply answers. 

There is so much more to say, how he’s sorry he couldn’t make Kuroo’s dream (one of them, at least) come true, how he would have loved to fight harder. But there’s only a limited number of things you can do against a powerhouse such as Itachiyama Academy. 

He truly believes the vision of Sakusa Kiyoomi staring at him from above will haunt him for a few months, starting tonight.

“It’s okay to be disappointed.”

It’s funny how he had said the same thing to Kuroo after their previous loss at nationals. He shrugs, just as Kuroo had done back then. And they move on. When he looks around him, taking his eyes from the one who’s always been here to guide him, they're all here too, standing tall and proud and strong. 

So unlike himself. 

He wonders if the rest of the Nekoma team sees him like that. If no matter how _uncool_ you are, younger people will always think you're impressive, strong. Lev’s still scared of him, he knows. The first years respect him enough, some of them even look up to him. Just like he used to look up to Kuroo (he still does, though). 

So maybe it’s only natural to feel impressed by the look Yaku gives him (very quickly before he runs towards Lev to _actually congratulate him for his good game, ‘Kenma taught you well’,_ he even hears him say), by the look Kai gives him when Kenma comes down the stairs, Kuroo and the rest of the team around him. 

“You played well,” the former vice-captain tells him with one of his familiar smiles, the ones that make you feel warm all over, that means _home_ in a weird way although he doesn’t know the guy that well. 

“Thank you,” Kenma manages to whisper before Tora and Kuroo start bickering next to him and the noise becomes too loud for them to have a proper conversation. 

“Come on Kenma, you’re done with the physical effort now, you can come and relax,” Kuroo throws an arm around his shoulders and he can’t say he doesn’t relax just a bit at the familiar contact. 

  
  


-

  
  


Although the first years don’t know the former Nekoma members, they blend in rather quickly and Kenma instantly relaxes when even the shy middle blocker they’ve welcomed this year is pulled under Yaku’s wing. 

“Come on, you have to tell me everything embarrassing Lev did this year. I know I can’t trust these fools to tell me the truth,” the former libero almost screams in the younger boy’s ear, his hand covering his lips as he speaks as if he didn’t want to be heard.

Taketora yells something from the kitchen and Fukunaga rolls his eyes. Kenma doesn’t gratify Yaku with an answer and goes back to his phone. Announcing their defeat to Shouyou had been harder than expected and even he is surprised at how emotional it makes him. 

“How are you feeling?” He’s sitting behind the kitchen counter and Kai comes to stay next to him, a glass of apple juice in each hand. 

“I’ve been better, I guess,” Kenma says and accepts the glass Kai hands in to him. 

It’s not that he _regrets_ the time when he didn’t like volleyball that much, but losing certainly hurt less back then. 

“It’s okay.” 

Okay so. There is something in Kai’s smile, something that is pretty similar to Shouyou’s own little smile. It’s less solar of course (who could be as bright as Shouyou anyway? There is only room for one sun in Kenma’s sky), but it’s soothing in the same familiar way. It’s warm and Kenma feels himself relax as he slowly sips his apple juice. 

“It’s hard, but I’m sincere when I’m saying that you fought well.”

And Kenma genuinely cannot help but smile right back at him. 

Kai has this small smile, the one where he closes his eyes and his cheeks become a bit rounder, and his lips just barely move, but it’s soft and warm. It’s not Shouyou’s warm red and orange, no. This smile is yellow and green, like the fresh scent of citrus in the early morning. 

And it makes Kenma’s chest ache. 

“You’re still living in Tokyo?” 

He’s not the type to keep up with everyone’s lives. He only sends occasional texts to Shouyou or Kuroo, but Kai’s definitely not the one he’s trying to stay in contact with. But the former vice captain doesn’t seem to mind because he simply starts telling him about what he’s been up to, his voice deep and soothing in his ears. All Kenma understands is that he’s living alone and he’s studying tree-related stuff. 

“I want to help with saving the planet.”

Kenma sighs. 

How could someone be so _good_ ? He looks around him, watching Kuroo and Yaku bickering, Tora yelling at Lev, the first years singing in a karaoke contest. How could someone be so _peaceful_? Especially when existing next to such chaotic messes. 

He himself still wonders how he managed to survive all these years, but the answer is _a lot of frustration, a lot of caffeine and a lot of anxiety._ Kai isn’t like that. Kai simply stands there, and he smiles, and he laughs, and occasionally even, he hugs and he pats shoulders. He’s not awkward like Kenma, when he tries to cheer his teammates up, he’s not _lowkey rude_ like Kuroo used to be, or straight-ass mean like Yaku still is (bless his small angry soul).

Kai is the sun in the middle of winter, not too bright, not too warm (sometimes not warm at all, even), but he’s here, allowing life to continue under his attentive smile, and most importantly, he never judges, he only welcomes in, with open arms: the ones who are too energetic, too passionate or too broken, all of them.

So you must be asking yourself, _when did Kenma realize he had a crush on Kai?_

A long time ago (as long as it can be when you’re eighteen), to be completely honest. When Kenma was fifteen and entered the high-school volleyball team, he had gone through the usual process of asking himself _who would I date in my friend group_ and if the thought of dating Kuroo had occurred to him for like ten minutes, his mind had quickly drifted towards the left on the list of remaining candidates, zooming on the darker smoother skin of his vice-captain. And with that, his brain had left him with only Kai for him to fantasize about. 

“Do you guys mind if the Fukurodani team drops by?” Kuroo suddenly shouts from the other side of the room. “I just got a text from Koutarou telling me they lost and they could use a party.”

Kai laughs softly, looking at Kuroo with gentle affection.

“Looks like Kuroo is not the only former captain who can’t let go of his old team.”

“I’m not sure Bokuto will keep hanging out with the team once Akaashi’s not a part of it anymore, though.” Kenma notes.

“You’re right.” 

Kai goes back to drinking his apple juice and if Kenma catches him stealing small glances at him, he doesn’t dwell on it. He used to have a crush on him, sure. But these were the fantasies of a young teenager during his gay awakening, the desires of a fifteen-year-old boy who chose the first attractive boy they knew and built a whole obsession around him. 

But he couldn’t help but notice the way his skin was indeed, smooth, the way his smile was still as warm, the way his voice still made him shiver just because of how deep it was. 

“KENMA!” 

He hadn’t even noticed Bokuto and the rest of the Fukurodani team entering, before Bokuto throws himself at him. 

“Hello, Koutarou.”

“Good match earlier! Itatchiyama’s a pain in the ass, we lost against them last year too.”

“Yeah, that Sakusa guy is a pain.”

Bokuto smiles at him and maybe (just maybe) there is enough space for two suns in Kenma’s sky (maybe not at the same time though, because Shouyou and Bokuto in the same room are _a lot_ to deal with). Then he comes to sit next to Kai and talks to him about owls and trees and nature and things Kenma doesn’t really pay attention to, probably because he’s too busy noticing the way Kai’s smile is more careful around Bokuto, more restrained (maybe he’s hallucinating but, frankly, Kenma’s an observant person, and he knows when someone is holding back).

“Where’s Akaashi?” he hears Kai ask and Kenma suddenly realizes that the Fukurodani captain is indeed missing.

Their last encounter during the qualifiers had ended in a three-set victory for Fukurodani, and Kenma still has a lot to say about that. 

“Oh he’s busy doing- how do I phrase this?”

“He’s getting his frustration fucked out of him,” Kuroo explains at the same time he arrives in front of them. 

“Yeah. That,” Bokuto laughs, looking at the ground.

“Lucky him,” Kai says and Kenma has a _very hard time_ swallowing the cough that desperately wants to escape his throat. 

“How did you even know?” Bokuto asks, looking at Kuroo, like he suddenly realizes that Nekoma shouldn’t know what Fukurodani’s captain is currently up to. 

“I have my ways.”

“Oh my god, what did you do?”

“Remember Konoha’s party a few weeks back?”

“... Yeah?”

“Well me and Aran…”

“No way.”

“Whatever, he told me something was going on between one of the Miyas and Akaashi.”

Kenma stares and stares and stares. First at Bokuto, then at Kuroo, and lastly, at his apple juice glass. Of course Kuroo had told him about his little _affair_ with Aran. But _Akaashi?_ His brain is going at a thousand miles an hour and Kuroo laughs at something Bokuto said and Kenma comes back to earth.

“One of the Miyas, uh?” Kai comments once Kuroo and Bokuto have left to defy the first years at karaoke.

“I guess there was _some tension_ between them, indeed.”

“Yeah, Inarizaki are the ones who defeated them this year right?”

“I think so.”

“I guess he at least won _something_.”

“The Miyas are attractive, but they’re assholes.” 

Kai looks at him and Kenma could swear, he sees relief on his face when he silently laughs.

“They’re attractive assholes indeed.”

  
  


-

  
  


When Kenma suddenly opens his eyes again, the first thing he notices is the pain in his neck. 

“You’re awake.” 

He’d recognize that deep smooth voice anywhere. _Yeah, right, gay awakening._ He clears his throat and jumps away from Kai’s shoulder where his head has been resting for he-doesn’t-know for how long. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t mind,” he smiles at him and it’s so, so sweet, and soft, and Kenma knows he keeps thinking the same exact thing since he’s laid his eyes on the guy after a whole year of not seeing him, but his smile _is_ soft, and sweet, and warm. 

He’s so fucked.

The party has died down, so he must have fallen asleep for a while. The lights are out and the only ones left are Konoha who’s sleeping on the couch, Bokuto in his arms, and two of the Nekoma first years who are sleeping on the carpet. All the others have left and Kuroo and Yaku are probably sleeping in their own rooms. 

The only light in the room is coming from the full moon floating high in the night sky, and there’s something peaceful, mysterious in the blue colours caressing Kai’s skin. It feels heavy, cold, like a secret, a moment frozen in time that's not meant to be shared.

The others are all dead to the world, and suddenly, it feels like it's only the both of them, alone in this room.

Kenma slightly stiffens. 

_Alone_. With his former vice-captain who also happens to be his first crush (who he eventually got over) (he did).

"You stayed just because I fell asleep?"

"You played two matches today, I sat in a classroom for four hours. You deserve some rest."

"You didn't have to."

"That's okay."

His smile is _really soft_ , Kenma thinks, and maybe it's Kai's hand that's coming to place a strand of his long (now half black) hair back behind his ear, or maybe it's the way he's looking at him with questioning eyes, but Kenma feels like he's standing in front of a cliff. 

It's a leap of faith. 

He's played enough Assassin's Creed to know when and where to jump (and he'd like to land on a heap of pink flower petals below the Parthenon, please and thank you). 

It's a leap of faith and if he jumps and there's no heap of straw for him to jump in, if his body flies towards the ground in the promise of inevitable death, he trusts Kai to catch him anyway. Because even if he has misread all the signs, there's no way Kai will let him crash on the concrete.

It's a leap of faith and when Kai closes his eyes and whispers a small ' _is that okay?_ ' against his lips, Kenma smiles softly. 

He may not believe in God, gods or deities, but he believes in the man sitting next to him. If he takes that leap of faith, Kai will catch him.

And so, he jumps.

And as expected, Kai catches him, his lips warm against his own.

  
  


.

  
  


**_ii. combustible_ **

_(yaku’s departure party)_

  
  


.

  
  


Yaku invites them over in the ‘ _Yakuroo’_ shared flat for one last party before he leaves the country to go to Russia. That’s how Kenma finds himself sitting in the same kitchen once again, two years later, his eyes glued to a cup of orange juice. This time, the place is so packed, he can’t sit on the floor. Instead, he’s sitting on the counter, and there’s rhum in his glass.

He doesn’t get drunk often, but maybe it’s the lighting, or maybe it’s the people, but he feels safe enough to _let go._ Not too much. He’s done with Bokuto and Kuroo’s wild drunk shenanigans for now. 

“Kozume, right?” someone comes to sit next to him on the counter. 

And Kenma has exactly five seconds to realize it’s actually one of the Miyas (the blond one) before said-Miya gets closer to his face and takes a strand of his hair between his fingers to look at it more closely. 

“Hm yes?” Because he just doesn’t know what else to say when the guy is _that_ close to him, with his face almost touching his hair. Wait, is he actually _sniffing_ them?

“How do you get this hair colour?” he finally asks, now looking at him straight in the eye, still a bit too close to be considered polite. 

And if Kenma isn’t used to this kind of strange behaviour (he wasn’t used to it when he met Lev, he certainly isn’t now), the Miya doesn’t seem to mind his sceptical look at all. 

But the topic is actually something Kenma can discuss without having to do too much small talk. So he smiles and starts talking about his hairdresser who saved his hair after high school and how he has to use a special shampoo to keep the blond _blond_ instead of yellow. And when _Atsumu_ starts taking notes on his phone, Kenma thinks he might get used to that weird guy. 

He got used to it with Lev after all.

"I can send you her contact details if you want."

"I'd love to!" 

And that's how he ends up with Miya Atsumu's number in his phone.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t really have the time to get used to the man’s chaotic aura because Bokuto barges in and throws an arm around the blond man’s shoulders and starts teasing him about whatever thing he did during practice. 

If Kenma can handle one chaotic creature, he draws the line at being with two of them at the same time. He takes his leave with one last smile in Atsumu’s direction. 

“Bokuto’s pretty obsessed with Atsumu these days,” Kuroo comments when Kenma comes to sit next to him on the armchair of the couch he’s sharing with Konoha and Akaashi. 

“Osamu and I have a betting pool on when they're going to make their first move,” the former setter casually says and Kuroo almost jumps on him, side-grin plastered on his face (Akaashi and Kenma both know this means _chaos_ ).

“I want to participate.”

“How do you know it hasn’t happened yet?” Kenma casually asks and Konoha sneers.

“You want to bet?”

“Okay, let's bet." Kenma is a 'competitive gremlin' according to Kuroo and he's going to prove him right.

“The entry’s 1,800 yen.”

“I’m in.”

“You heard that ‘Samu?” Akaashi yells towards the kitchen and his boyfriend appears in the doorway. 

“What?”

“Kenma and Kuroo are putting money in _the betting pool_.”

Osamu’s face completely changes and he starts smiling wickedly ‘ _oh, really?’_. And if Kenma doesn’t really know Atsumu because the guy has no direct connection to him (well until now, that is), Osamu’s a familiar face now, thanks to Akaashi.

“I give them two months,” Kuroo announces.

“You’re hopeful,” Akaashi says.

The couch slightly shifts when Kai comes to sit next to Kuroo on the couch, a side-grin on his lips, not unlike the one Kuroo showed them a few minutes before (mischief looks good on him, but his eyes are still warm, and it makes Kenma’s heart jump when their eyes meet furtively).

“They’re betting on when Bokuto and Atsumu are going to _do the do_ ,” Konoha explains.

“I see, I see.”

“You want to bet?” Akaashi asks and seeing the two most composed guys of the group look at each other with a look of defiance on their face is _something._ It does things to Kenma's body, but thankfully, he's good at hiding it.

“I’m pretty sure they already went for it.” Kai is smiling confidently and he probably doesn’t notice Kenma’s eyes jumping on him in shock (the guy's going to steal half of his very fairly earned money for god’s sake) when he adds, “I’m pretty sure they already _did the do_ , as you say, Aki. I’m pretty good at guessing these things.”

“Pay up and we shall see.”

Kenma transfers 1,800 yens on Akaashi’s bank account because he doesn’t have cash. Kai pays for both him and Kuroo with a written note from Kuroo that swears he will pay him back (because they all know Kuroo will get too drunk to remember anything that happens during the night). 

  
  


-

  
  


It turns out Kai is, indeed, pretty good at guessing these things, because they only have to wait for two other hours before the six remaining guests are all packed in front of Kuroo’s bedroom door, listening to Atsumu’s moans and Bokuto’s ‘ _I couldn’t wait until we got home’_ , which is enough for them to conclude that it’s definitely not the first time they’ve _done the do._

“AGAINST **MY** WALL? YAKU’S ROOM IS EMPTY, GO FUCK IN THERE!” Kuroo yells after one of Atsumu’s pretty loud moans. 

“Fuck," they hear Bokuto yell.

But Akaashi is a good man, a lawful one, so he immediately looks at Kenma and Kai with a serious face.

"It seems like we have two winners.”

He asks if they're okay with splitting up the money, which means Kenma actually has to look at Kai in the eyes for more than a brief moment for the first time since the party has started. 

They’ve arrived at almost the same time (meaning, a few hours ago) and it’s the first time since _the kiss_ that they actually acknowledge each other’s presence.. 

“Congratulations.” 

Kai’s voice comes in a whisper as he gives him half of the money, and their fingers touch and he looks at him, and he smiles, and Kenma’s heart misses several beats. He’s had boyfriends, girlfriends (not that it makes him a better lover or a better person anyway), he’s not fifteen anymore, but it truly feels like he is, when he looks a bit too long into his former vice-captain’s eyes, and his heart starts beating a bit too hard. 

Who gave him the right to have eyes so light, so clear, so _kind_? 

Who? 

“Thank you,” Kenma manages to whisper back as he puts the money in his back pocket. 

“Someone wants something to drink?” Kuroo asks and the others follow him in the kitchen, leaving Kenma and Kai alone, standing in the middle of the living room, with nothing but each other to distract themselves.

They haven't talked since the nationals. Not. One. Word. No text, no party, no rumour from one of their common friends. If Kai was there for his (and Tora’s and Fukunaga’s) graduation, they had managed to not speak to each other that day, to not look at each other for more than a few seconds (Kenma had caught him staring at some point though).

 _He took pity on me_ , Kenma tells Hinata when he calls him to narrate the whole story. 

_It was the adrenaline_ , Kai tells Konoha who laughs but really, he looks at him in total disbelief.

And after that, they keep finding excuses to avoid each other. 

_He probably moved on,_

_It was an accident,_

_He wasn’t really interested._

But when their eyes meet and Kai’s fingers linger a bit too long on Kenma’s skin when he hands him the money, the younger man feels the small amount of courage he has in his bones lighting up and he whispers,

“So you’re good at this type of thing.”

He pointedly looks at the now closed door of Kuroo’s bedroom, that’s been locked after Atsumu and Bokuto were thrown out of it. And if Kai had meant ‘ _I’m good at observing people’_ , his statement now resonates with a completely different meaning. 

Kenma’s always been good at teasing (Kuroo does have something to do with it), and he’s got this mischievous light in his eyes that makes Kai _visibly_ shiver and the man's pupils suddenly become wider and wider, almost completely obscuring his usually clear soft eyes.

“Well, no one ever complained.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re good.”

Kenma looks at the other man from behind his long dark eyelashes and wets his lower lip. It’s _totally intentional._ Kai’s pupils are now blown wide as he finishes his drink and it's Kenma's turn to shiver when he puts the glass back on the coffee table before taking a step forward, getting closer to Kenma. 

He’s tall. Not as tall as Kuroo. But Kuroo never managed to look _impressive_ to Kenma. Kai, on the other hand, is the guy Kenma’s been avoiding for months now (more than a year even), so when he comes to stand against him, so close that their bodies could actually touch if he came just a bit closer, he naturally starts holding back his breath. 

“Why don’t you try yourself?”

Kenma’s never seen Kai as the teasing type, or even as a person capable of seduction. Not that he thinks he is _incapable_ of being flirtatious, he just never added these traits to the image he had of calm, composed, peaceful Kai Nobuyuki. But this side smirk _does things to him_ (and he thinks he likes it)

“What if I’m disappointed?” Kenma asks, challenging.

Kai for sure isn’t surprised by Kenma’s ability to talk back (the younger man has survived being Kuroo’s best friend for more than twenty years. This kind of chaotic environment shapes people). He's used to it, he knew it would come, so he certainly won’t back down now.

“Then, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Really?”

“Kozume, do you want something to- Oh.”

Atsumu interrupts them and Kai immediately jumps back, a meter away from Kenma. There’s no way the blond man hasn’t seen anything, so Kai shrugs, never looking away from Kenma as he says.

“If you guys want to start a betting pool, you should bet on tonight, Miya.”

  
  


-

  
  


The fact that Kai literally lives in the building on the other side of the street is a _blessing_ because Kenma doesn’t even want to think about the cab ride they would have had to share if they had gone back to his place.

“You think Miya will talk about this?” Kai asks as he struggles to open the door.

It’s Kenma who kisses him first and the door is not even closed when Kai finds himself pressing the smaller man against the wall. 

“Let’s give him something worth talking about then,” Kenma whispers against his lips, already tugging at his shirt to get him closer to him, trying to find friction wherever he can. 

It’s been more than two years since the man has played any volleyball but his guess is that climbing trees actually requires a good physical condition, so he still has to work out. And he must work out pretty often because his arms are bigger now, his abs more defined (not that Kenma would know what his abs looked like back then, he definitely never looked at them). 

“The room’s this way.” 

“You have a nice flat.”

And he truly doesn’t know why he’s trying to do small talk when he usually never does that, but he needs something to hold on to. The colour of the sheets, the framed pictures on the wall, the funny cushions on the couch. 

“Thank you, my mom chose the furniture.”

Kenma laughs and lets himself be guided towards the bedroom. It suddenly feels like his brain is too big for his cranial cavity, fuzzy and ready to melt under Kai’s warm hands.

And Kai, Kenma finds out, is as gentle in bed as he is in life. His hands are bigger than what he imagined, but as warm as he had pictured them when he presses him against the mattress. 

“Tell me if you want to stop.”

“Don’t worry about this, I’ve been thinking about doing this since my first year of high-school.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

Kenma has never had any pride when it came to Kai. He may try to act like he’s better than Kuroo, or Tora, or Lev (he knows he’s actually better than Lev), or even Yaku. But Kai? Kai’s too smart, he’s too wise, and Kenma can only melt under his stare, and he suddenly feels like he’s younger than he is, like he’s only a victim of his own desires. 

But come on, it’s not every day that you get to make out with your high-school crush slash borderline obsession. So he just goes for it.

“I really like your hair like this," Kai whispers against his neck and his fingers come to caress his long now completely blond hair. "But I always wondered if you would get back to black eventually."

"You thought about my hair?" Kenma asks, more as a way to ground himself than because he really cares. 

But the smile Kai gives him when he lets himself fall between Kenma's legs makes grounding himself impossible and he just lets his head fall back on the pillow, his hands lost in Kai's short hair. 

"I thought about you a lot," Kai says against his thigh and it's the last coherent thing either one of them manages to say for the night, the rest being lost between moans and pleas.

When Kenma leaves the flat at six a.m. the next morning because he doesn't want to be one of those guys who _spends the night_ , he leaves a note on Kai's bedside table that says _'I'm not complaining, but you can make it up to me anyway.'_

  
  


.

  
  


**_iii. dans les bras de l’autre_ **

_(the tokyo 2020 olympics)_

  
  


.

  
  


They all arrive a few hours before the match even starts. Lev arrives first, and Kenma can only sigh and wallow in his own self-pity, when he realizes he will have to spend half a day. Alone. With Lev. But he has grown up (a bit) during the last few years and cohabitating with him actually ends up being a pleasant experience. 

Then it’s Taketora who arrives, and for a few hours, the house is a complete mess, until Fukunaga enters the Kozume house and puts them all in the place where they belong (ie. in the kitchen to help him with the paella). Inuoka and Kai arrive next, with the drinks and Kenma can see the disaster that is about to unravel in his house in a second of clear lucidity, but he successfully shrugs it off. Teshiro and Shibayama eventually join them and the house has never been so full, so alive. 

He never planned this whole event, but it feels _right_ to have them here.

“Thank you for inviting us,” Inuoka says when he arrives and Kenma can feel that the poor man is still a bit intimidated by him although they’ve been friends for years now. 

“You’re going to cook for me, I’m glad I invited you,” he answers with a grin but what he really means is _I’m happy you’re all here._

“KENMA COME HERE AND HELP!” Fukunaga shouts from the kitchen.

“I'm already helping by providing the venue,” he yells back before plopping next to Kai on the sofa.

“Any news from Kuroo?” the former vice-captain asks while looking at his phone.

“He’s coming back before the match starts, but if you want my opinion, he’ll be late.”

“I'm sure he'll arrive by the time the hot pot is ready.”

“Hm, I don’t think a hot pot can win against a hot one-night-stand-turned-regular-hookup.”

“Oh, I see. Who is the unfortunate soul?”

“Oikawa, Argentina’s setter. He was born in Miyagi. He is friends with almost the entire national team so of course Kuro met him at some party and they have been meeting regularly ever since. You know how he is.”

“Unfortunately.”

“And how’s working with Aran going?” Inuoka asks when he comes back from the kitchen.

Kenma laughs a bit at that because obviously this entire story is _a mess_ . Their break-up had been disastrous at best, with Kuroo complaining about how much Aran didn’t _care about him_ after he had left him. ‘That’s what happens when you break up with a healthy person, Kuroo, they move on’ is a sentence Kenma has probably said more in the past few years than ‘Hello’.

“He’s working with Aran, Bokuto _and_ Yaku. How do you think it’s going?” Kai comments.

“Man, I’m glad I don’t have to handle this mess.”

The rest of the team joins them on the couch and in a few instants, the living room is full of people and the smell of paella fills up the entire space. They’re not really paying attention to the France v. Germany match that’s going on in the background, still waiting for the Japanese team to start playing.

“How’s Hinata doing?” Inuoka asks as Kenma stuffs his face with Fukunaga’s paella (and it is so good he audibly groans- and Kai stiffens next to him but he doesn’t notice).

“He’s not the type of guy to be affected by chaos, so he’s fine I guess,” Kenma answers with a soft smile that actually eats his entire face, the bright, adoring smile that is unfortunately reserved to Hinata Shouyou and Hinata Shouyou only.

“Lucky him, apparently Sakusa is very close to killing one of them,” Lev comments.

No one asks ‘ _how does he know that?’_ because they all know it’s because Lev and Yaku happen to skype almost every day. And _why do they skype almost every day?_ Kenma grimaces and moves on from the mental image created by this question. It’s better that way.

They’re still discussing the last rumours they’ve heard about the relationships between the members of the national team when the door opens and Kuroo finally lets himself into the Kozume home (because of course he has made himself a spare key so he doesn’t have to wait for anyone to welcome him in). 

“Sorry I’m late!”

“We didn’t wait for you to start eating,” Kenma simply says, eyes judgemental on his best friend.

“That’s fine!”

“What were you doing anyway?” Kai asks and every pair of eyes turn in his direction except for Kenma’s who’s still looking pointedly at Kuroo.

“Oh man,” Kuroo sighs and he lets himself fall on the floor, against the soft fabric of the carpet.

He closes his eyes and starts explaining how exhausting each member of the team can be, especially Aran (they all know it’s a lie and that Aran is actually one of the most mature members of the team). Yaku is also a ‘pain in his personal ass’, but apparently having Atsumu to threaten has made Kuroo a secondary target only, so he’s glad.

He keeps talking and Kenma stops paying attention until he hears something that makes him rethink all his choices in friendship.

“Can you believe I had sex with the same guy as Hinata?” Kuroo asks with wide eyes in a terrible, horrifying realization. 

“Does that mean that you indirectly had sex with Hinata?” Lev jokes.

“Stop being gross,” Kenma yells and he throws the remaining parts of a shrimp in Lev’s hair.

  
  


-

  
  


What is louder than a room full of former Nekoma boys' volleyball club's members is a room full of drunk former Nekoma boys' volleyball club's members. For once, Kenma is no exception, his brain feels pleasantly fuzzy. 

The nice thing when you’re drunk is that you don’t feel the cold the same way you would if you were sober. 

That’s how Kenma finds himself sitting in the grass in the small garden behind his house, his beer sitting next to him as he looks at the infinity of the firmament. There are no stars in the Tokyo sky, not now, not ever. Men have irreparably wrecked the place and even the light of dying stars can’t reach their eyes anymore. 

It’s _sad_ , Kenma thinks. Because he’s seen the sky, when he was at Shouyou’s. He’s seen the milky way, splendid above them, so the clogged night sky that feels almost suffocating now makes him want to mourn those stars that no one in Tokyo will ever see, or care about. 

If you explode in a magnificent explosion but no one's there to see it, was it even magnificent?

“Want to try to summon a demon?”

Kuroo joins him and he smiles at him when he brings a joint to his lips, inhaling slowly. Kenma accepts the stick when his friend hands it to him.

“Nah thanks, last time I had to vacuum a whole pot of salt and got no demon to help me with it.”

Kuroo laughs and takes the joint back from Kenma. 

"Don't smoke too much, you'll fall asleep."

"It's what my nerves need after having to deal with all of them," Kenma laughs quietly gesturing towards the door. 

He lets his head fall against Kuroo's shoulder and his friend's arm almost immediately comes to wrap around him. 

"Any news from the Shrimp?"

"He texted me after the match saying they won. But nothing else."

"He's getting close to that libero."

"I know."

He steals the joint from between Kuroo's fingers and takes the Argentina-flag lighter from the ground to light it up again. 

"It's not like I can do anything about it, and I've moved on."

"Yeah."

Kuroo's looking at the back of the garden where a tall apple tree is slightly sloping towards the left, and he doesn't say anything else. Usually, Kenma doesn't mind silence, especially not with Kuroo. But maybe it's the alcohol, or the joint, or maybe he's just tired.

"It's been two years," Kenma sighs and he takes one last drag out of the joint before handing the remains to Kuroo. "It wasn't supposed to be something serious, it was clear between us. I got attached but he's still my friend and I don't care if he's dating someone else as long as he's happy, I'm glad."

Kuroo lets himself fall backwards, now laying on the wet grass, and he whispers.

"I wish I could do that."

"Aren't you moving on? With Tooru I mean."

"It's not because I have someone to warm my bed that I'm moving on."

Kenma doesn't say that he's seen the way Kuroo's face lights up when he gets a text in the middle of the night and they're playing Persona 5, the way he becomes more _alive_ when he talks about Oikawa. He doesn't, because it's not his place to tell. 

But Kuroo is probably already too attached. 

However, it's not because you're attached to someone else that you forget those who have been there before.

"I don’t all have the same cold heart as _him_." 

Him. Aran. Still.

Kuroo's his friend, so he won't say that _he knows_ , that he's _heard the story times and times again_. He only smiles softly at his best friend, lets him cry next to him and then pretends he hasn't seen him. This is how it works between them. Sometimes, they'll talk about it. 

But most of the time, they just cry on each other's shoulder and pretend it never happened.

"I need more alcohol." Kuroo mumbles as he stands up and Kenma watches him leave to go back inside in search of a new bottle of wine to open.

Kuroo's love life has always been more complicated, more heartbreaking than his own. But right now, as he remembers seeing Shouyou taking his first steps on the Olympic stage, Kenma feels his own heart break a little too. 

He's over it. He knows he is. Hinata is his friend, they've stopped hooking up ages ago. He knows they wouldn't have been good for each other, each of them seeking different things in life. But the truth is, it still stings. It doesn't shatter his heart into millions of pieces anymore. But it's still unpleasant. 

And so he finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette he steals from the pack Kuroo left behind him. 

"You smoke now?"

Great. Just _fucking_ great. He thinks but he simply shrugs and inhales the first puff of smoke. 

"Don't worry, I only do it when Kuroo's here."

"He's always here."

"Touché," Kenma answers and he hands the pack of cigarettes to Kai who shakes his head.

"I'm good thank you."

He uses Kuroo's abandoned wine glass as an ashtray and Kai silently watches Kenma stare at the ground with what could look like a concerned expression.

Kai's still his friend. At least Kenma sees it that way. They've never been close. Frankly, he's only ever been close to Kuroo and Akaashi. Kai had been a peaceful presence, a good vice captain, a pleasant one night stand. 

But they had never been _close_. 

And he won't cry. He has cried enough during the past few years.

"You know I won't judge you, right?" Kai says.

Why is he still so coherent? Kenma's seen him drink a whole bottle of wine by himself.

Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the joint. Or maybe he's tired of _pretending._ He's not a fake person, he even tends to think he's pretty honest. But Shouyou is still a sore spot in his heart, and Kenma's only just a man.

"Then I can do what I want now and regret it peacefully in the morning?"

"Depends on what it is."

"Getting over someone."

"Has she gotten over it?"

" _He_. I'm- Gay." Kenma whispers and he takes a long drag on the cigarette, his eyes still on the floor. It's something he's had a hard time dealing with, but that turned out okay in the end.

"Oh. Okay. I guess I should have guessed."

Kenma laughs, a bitter cold laugh that pierces even Kai's warm heart. He should have guessed, indeed. They had made out for a whole night after all.

"I indeed haven't tried to hide it from you."

Kai laughs a little at that and brings the neck of his beer to his lips, his eyes burning on Kenma. 

"I guess you haven't."

The silence is a bit too heavy between them to be comfortable, but Kai isn't backing off. Of course he isn't.

“Has _he_ gotten over it, then?”

“Yes, I'm not even sure he was in it to start with.”

“I see.”

“And it's over now anyway. I'm mostly over it, but sometimes- sometimes it's just harder to wrap my head around it. I'm not in love with him anymore, I swear I'm not. It's just- Yeah sometimes I feel like I'm still not over it.”

“I see.”

“I just need time.”

“It's not easy, to fall out of love.”

“And sometimes it's too easy.”

Kai takes a new sip at his beer. He's the same as he always is. Strong. Reliable. He's sitting there like an old tree who holds all the secrets of the universe between his roots and still doesn't feel such mundane emotions as anger or sadness. Kai just _is._

It's peaceful.

And so, Kenma falls asleep. He doesn't feel the strong arms that wrap themselves around his body to carry him back to his bed, he doesn't feel the tug at his feet when Kai takes off his shoes and he doesn’t hear him close the door behind him.

When he wakes up the next morning, he's not sure about what happened after they turned the TV off after Japan’s victory. It's all blurry and dark and when he texts Kuroo about it, his best friend only answers _'Nothing major happened. That I know of at least._ '.

So yeah, Japan has won its first match at the Tokyo Olympics, and the rest is history. 

  
  


-

  
  


When Japan loses a few days later against Argentina, Kenma goes for a drive. It lasts for around an hour and he doesn’t really know how, or why (he’s lying to himself, of course, let’s be real), he finds himself standing in front of Kuroo’s building. 

Well, he’s standing in front of Kuroo’s building, but from the other side of the street. Which means he’s technically standing in front of _Kai’s building_. 

He’s over Shouyou. He is.

But seeing him crying on TV still does things to his heart (pain, misery, agony, call it what you want). And he hates it. And he really wants to go to Kuroo’s flat and talk about it with his best friend. But said-best friend is probably at the stadium celebrating his own boyfriend’s (or whatever he is these days) victory. 

“Kenma.”

Kai looks surprised when he opens the door, but his eyes soften as he recognizes the obvious signs of distress in the smaller man’s golden irises and Kenma suddenly wonders if he’s always been this good at reading him or if it’s a new thing between them.

“Are you busy tonight?” He simply asks, and it’s like he’s on a cloud (a dark one), or maybe he’s a cloud, because clouds don’t think, clouds are filled with rage and pain until they pour it out on humanity’s head. Yeah, tonight, Kenma is a cloud.

“I guess now I am.”

And how he finds himself pressed against the couch because they don’t even manage to go to the bedroom is a mystery. But tonight, he won’t think. Tonight, he’ll do what he _wants_ and regret it in the morning. _‘I won’t judge’_ was what Kai had said right? And although he doesn’t remember it, it’s something Kenma still knows, deep down. Because Kai doesn’t judge. He never has, and never will. 

He doesn’t ask when Kenma demands if they can be a bit rougher tonight, he doesn’t judge when Kenma leaves biting marks on his skin and when he’s just a bit louder than he was the first time they went back to his apartment.

To anyone, this encounter would have seemed perfectly normal, not so different from the first one. But Kai notices stuff, especially when it comes to Kozume Kenma. After all, he did spend two years learning how to read the guy to be perfectly in sync with his tosses. There’s more passion, more pleas to _go faster, harder_ , like he’s in a rush, like he wants his brain to stop working, like he wants the voices in his head to finally go silent. 

He can see the desperation in Kenma’s eyes, and if he desperately wants to slow down, to show him that he deserves to be adored, to be touched everywhere and marked in even more places, tonight, he caves in and gives his former setter exactly what he’s asking for. 

And maybe once the first round is over, and Kenma tries to sneak out, and Kai catches him by the hand and presses his lips on the bruises he has left earlier on his shoulders, on his neck, and he whispers “Let me make it up to you for real this time,” his heart does skip a beat. 

_It’s not because you have someone to warm your bed that you’re moving on_ , Kuroo had said. And maybe he’s right, of course, because Kuroo’s always at least a bit right, _but having someone with you sure as hell helps,_ Kenma silently retorts as he falls on his knees on Kai’s white carpet, orange hair long forgotten. 

  
  
  


.

**_iv. fondu au noir_ **

_(coach nekomata's funeral)_

  
  


.

  
  


He has seen relatives of his pass away, he has, but it’s something else to experience grief when it’s someone you’ve been close to. It doesn’t come as a surprise when they get the call from Coach Naoi. Kenma’s hanging out with Kuroo and Oikawa when the face of his high school coach appears on his phone. It doesn’t really come as a surprise, but he’s surprised nonetheless, and the news hits him like a ton of bricks. 

“Thank you Coach, no need to call Kuro, he’s with me, I’ll tell him.”

“Okay, take care Kenma.”

“You too.”

Both Kuroo and Oikawa are looking at him with worry painted on their faces.

“Coach Nekomata is dead.”

“Oh.”

Who knew Coach Nekomata was human, in the way humans were vulnerable and painfully mortal? Kenma didn’t. None of them did.

 _The old man’s got nine lives_ , they all used to joke when they were still a team, back then when they were still young and naive. And now, they’re all in their thirties, and most of them know what _death_ means. 

They come back as a team, once again. 

Even Yaku flies back from Russia to stand next to his former teammates as they pay their respects to the one who brought them all together, almost two decades ago. 

Kenma is surprised when he sees Shouyou standing in the room during the funeral. He shyly smiles at him and when his _friend_ smiles back, he notices that it doesn’t pierce his heart anymore. Maybe, it’s because his heart is already broken only by watching the coffin that’s sitting in front of them, or maybe it’s because he’s really moved on. 

It has truly been a long time now, after all. 

It’s Kuroo who deposits their team’s bouquet on their coach’s left shoulder, his face dark and his eyes red. Kenma doesn’t need to think to take his hand in his and intertwine their fingers. Kuroo’s always been the stronger one, but when confronted with Death herself, they’re all as vulnerable as anyone else. 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying too until someone offers him a tissue. 

“Thank you,” he whispers, not even bothering to look up.

“You’re welcome.”

Kenma smiles weakly and sniffles in the tissue (and damn, it smells just like _his_ place) (and why the hell does his heart skip a beat?). He looks up and meets Kai’s own watery eyes. For one second, he almost believes the sadness in these deep brown eyes are caused by him. And maybe it is. Who knows? 

Kai stays here, next to him, grounding, reassuring. Kenma feels like a reed, pliant and adaptable, weak and fragile, dependable to the wind and the sun, but when Kai stands next to him, in all his peaceful glory, like an ancient oak whose roots are so deep the wind can only wish to make him fall, Kenma feels like no burning ray of sunshine can reduce him to ashes anymore.

When they leave the ceremony, leaving the Nekomata family to pay their last respects, Shouyou finally tears him away from his reverie. 

“Hey Kenma, how are you feeling?”

“It’s a funeral, how do you think I’m feeling?” Kenma answers, and it’s harsher than he had meant it to be. Not that it bothers Hinata anyway.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, we should grab a coffee sometimes.”

“You don’t drink coffee.”

“Yeah, I just- It’s something adults say when- Let’s go eat ramen then.”

“Okay.”

And this time, ten years after Hinata has told him they weren’t looking for the same thing in a relationship, ten years after Kenma has had his heart broken by the man he had once thought would become his husband (if only he had managed to convince him they could _fall in love one day, because Kenma wasn’t like the others_ ) (and in the end, he had been exactly like the others), ten years after he had realized what it was to fall in love, Kenma’s heart doesn’t flinch at the sight of Hinata Shouyou’s smile anymore.

“Okay, let’s do this” he repeats, more to himself than for Hinata who smiles nonetheless.

“I’ll text you later.”

“Yeah.”

His heart has never felt lighter.

  
  
  


-

  
  


It’s almost midnight when they leave the restaurant they have decided to go to after the funeral. The moon is already high up in the sky and their bellies are full. The pain has faded, buried deep under a few drinks and a lot of food. 

They’re all standing outside the restaurant, leaving one after one, Lev and Yaku because they have a train to catch, Inuoka because he has work to do, the others because they just do, and Kuroo is one of the last one to take off, but he stops himself, turning on his heels before disappearing. 

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Kuroo asks quietly, looking at his best friend but Kenma shakes his head.

The fact that he’s still here, around people, despite his very well known discomfort when it comes to social gatherings must have alarmed Kuroo, so Kenma smiles tiredly. It’s not that he doesn’t _want_ to be alone right now, but having noise definitely helps with the guilt he can’t help but feel for not contacting Coach Nekomata more often. 

And maybe it helps drown the weird sensation of living in a world where Shouyou isn’t here to burn freely in his sky anymore.

"I’m alright, just go home, I know you have a skype date with Oikawa, don't worry."

"You're sure?"

Sometimes, Kenma can’t help but think he doesn’t deserve his best friend (and then he remembers that said-best friend probably doesn’t deserve him either, so they just might as well stick together) 

"Yeah."

“Okay then, goodnight. Bye Kai!” He says, a bit louder, waving at his friend before disappearing around the corner.

And with that, Kenma’s left alone with Kai.

The thing is, they’ve never really been _alone_ together. During their high school years, they always had someone else requiring at least two thirds of their attention: Yaku, Kuroo, Lev, or the three of them altogether. When they had left high school and started meeting up again on rare occasions, they were either surrounded by former teammates or aggressively making out. 

So it’s the first time he’s really, truly, completely, alone with Kai. 

Took him more than thirty years, but he’s finally there. 

“Do you want _me_ to stay with you?” Kai finally whispers and it’s only then and there that Kenma’s eyes leave the place where Kuroo had disappeared to meet the man’s clear brown ones, finding them already looking at him with some kind of unrestrained soft adoration.

“Please,” Kenma almost chokes out and Kai smiles softly, so softly, and he takes his hand in his, and his fingers are so warm and his hand is so big in his, and he can feel himself drowning, drowning, _drowning_. 

But that's alright because Kai will always be here to catch him if he falls, or to pull him back up to the surface if he drowns. 

  
  


-

  
  


“Your hair is black again.” Kai smiles, laying on the couch as the soft grizzling sound of the vinyl turntable is playing in the background. 

“You told me you wanted to know if I would eventually go back to black.”

“It suits you.”

“Thank you.”

He lets his head rest on Kai’s shoulder, one third of his body on the couch, another third on Kai and the rest dangling in the void between the couch and the ground. 

“Do you think we should have done this before?” Kenma eventually breaks the peaceful silence.

Kai’s flat feels weirdly familiar, Kai feels familiar. They’ve been friends for around two decades, they’ve seen each other naked for the first time around ten years ago. He’s been some sort of weird constant in his life, an encounter that would always end up in a soft catastrophe in the way it seemed inevitable but never failed to put him back together in the end.

“I think we both had stuff to fix within ourselves,” Kai answers wisely.

“Probably.”

“Do you know you were the first man I ever kissed?”

Kenma almost chokes on his own saliva at the revelation.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. So I obviously had that to deal with- And then when we uh- made out at Yaku’s goodbye party-”

“Wait- Was it your first-”

“No, no, I experimented after the kiss- I had a boyfriend for some time in college. But you were always somewhere at the back of my mind and I had these very vivid dreams. And then you left in the morning, so I never got the chance to talk about it and then I chickened out.”

“It’s my fault too, I never- I never called you or anything.”

“And then during the Olympics you- you said that you were getting over someone so I just- I just couldn’t deal with that- Not at that time. So I let you leave, hoping we would get one last chance, eventually.”

“Looks like we got that one right.”

Kai smiles, a smile that looks ten times brighter than all the previous ones. And if it’s bright, it doesn’t blind, it simply _illuminates_ , like thousands of fireflies showing you the way, warm on Kenma’s skin as he kisses his neck. 

For the first time since the first time they’ve met, they fall asleep in each other’s arms still wearing clothes.

And the next morning, when the sun comes behind the blinds of Kai’s room, Kenma is still sleeping peacefully, his dark hair falling in the shape of a halo around his head. He’s not awake enough yet to notice it, but his world has somehow shifted, and at that exact moment, when Kai opens his eyes, warming up immediately when they drop on the silhouette of the man laying beside him, he knows he’s where he was meant to be, and that Kenma is too.

He’s still asleep so he doesn’t notice, but there’s a new sun in Kenma’s sky, and it’s warm, and real, and bright.

  
  


.

**_v_ ** **_. francis_ **

_(taketora’s wedding)_

  
  


.

  
  


When Taketora asks Kenma if he wants to be his best man, Kenma almost faints. He’s never fainted in his life so he doesn’t really know how close he was to actually passing out, but it feels like it was a close call. 

So he says yes with a big smile on his face and tears in his eyes. 

And he’s proud and even excited about the wedding, until he has to stand next to a very trembling Taketora who’s currently second guessing every single life choice he’s ever made. What if he’s too loud? ( _‘You’ve been living together for four years, Tora, she knows you’re loud’_ ) What if he’s too annoying? (‘ _She definitely knows about that_ ’) What if the suit he picked up is too dark for a wedding? (‘ _Don’t worry, Tora, you look hot_ ’ - ‘... Thanks bro’) 

That’s how he finds himself delivering a speech at Taketora's wedding, with a warm smile on his lips, and snot at the tip of his nose. 

Kai is sitting on the other side of the table, chatting quietly with his neighbour and Kenma tries his best not to look at him too often. But it’s Kai. In a suit. And Kenma’s only a man. Still, he tries not to get caught when his eyes wander across the table.

Unfortunately for him, Kuroo Tetsurou is an observant man. He _notices_ stuff, that's always been his job. Noticing where the ball goes, noticing what player to hire for the national volleyball team. Noticing is what he does.

So when Kenma becomes a little less quiet, a little less grumpy, of course he notices. 

And when Kenma suddenly becomes the louder one in a relationship, talking actively to their former vice-captain when they’re together, rather than only listening with a bored expression on his face, of course Kuroo notices.

When Kenma smiles, Kuroo notices that his smile is now incredibly _soft_. 

Kenma’s smiles are not soft. 

They’re cheeky, mischievous or straight-ass smirks. They’re not _soft_. The only soft smiles Kuroo knows apart from Tooru’s (who are therefore only private smiles that are meant for him, and him only) (And Iwaizumi, sometimes) are Kai’s smiles. So it doesn’t take a genius (although he arguably deserves to be called one) to connect the dots. 

“You’ve noticed it too, haven’t you?” Lev tells him a bit later, when everyone has left their chairs to go invade the dancefloor and he manages to catch his former captain’s attention.

“What?”

“Kenma and Kai. There’s something between them, right?”

Kuroo shrugs and laughs it off (he’s glad Lev is not as oblivious as he used to be, though) He won’t be the one to spread rumours about his best friend and his adventures though. He only does that with his enemies. 

“Tetsurou, come on!” Oikawa shouts from the dancefloor and Kuroo smiles apologetically to Lev before standing up to walk towards his boyfriend.

He tries his best not to stare at Kenma dancing with Taketora like he has a wood stick instead of a spine and sponges instead of feet. He tries his best, but still fails because his best friend eventually comes up to him when the song changes.

“You’re here to steal my man, Kenma-chan?”

“You can keep him, thank you very much.”

“Do you need something?” Kuroo asks, ignoring the two bickering idiots standing on each of his sides.

“Why are you staring at me?”

“I’m always staring at you.”

“No you’re not, not like that. you’re staring at me like you’re trying to read my mind, it’s unsettling.” 

“Am I? I haven’t noticed.” 

Kuroo smiles and Kenma rolls his eyes. Contrary to popular belief, Kenma cannot read Kuroo’s mind. And at times like that, he really is glad that he can’t because whatever is going on in his best friend’s brain is making him smirk devilishly, so it has to be incredibly dumb.

  
  


-

  
  


The good thing with weddings is that absolutely everyone gets completely _wasted_. It had happened at both Akaashi and Osamu's and Bokuto and Atsumu's weddings. And Tora's wedding would be no exception.

"You look hot," Kenma comments when he finally gets some alone time with Kai, at the back of the fridge.

"You too, _god_."

They don't make out (they have a sense of decency, thank you very much) but they still aggressively kiss each other, with Kenma’s back pressed against the fridge. They can hear the music through the doors, and it’s almost certain that they would not notice if someone were to enter the kitchen.

Thankfully, no one sees them, no one hears them.

They’re all too busy dancing or drinking, or both at the same time.

"Let's go back to my place later," Kai says, as if they hadn’t already decided weeks ago, to meet, just the two of them, after the party.

"We can leave after Tora starts singing Lady Gaga songs," Kenma suggests.

"Deal."

Kai giggles (he _giggles_ ) against his lips and this might be the best sound Kenma's ever heard. He's gotten used to it during the last few months. They've been implicitly dating for half a year, but it still makes his heart burst to feel his breath on his cupid's bow, feel his teeth against his lips as he laughs, light and gentle. 

"What song did he sing last?" Kenma asks, a bit later, breathless after a particularly long kiss. 

"I think it was _I'll make a man out of you_ from Mulan," Kai grimaces.

"Ah. We're still stuck here for at least two hours then."

"Apparently."

Turns out it takes three hours and a half for Taketora to start singing _Born This Way_ with Tanaka dancing next to him on the small stage. Most of the guests are too drunk to notice Kai leaving without saying goodbye and when Kenma takes his leave (thirty minutes later to not be too suspicious), Kuroo meets him in the corridor that leads to the main doors.

"Have fun," he says with a wink and Kenma rolls his eyes (can they actually get stuck up there if there's too much wind?) (Kuroo had looked very worried when he had told him to be careful with his eyerolls after all)

  
  


-

  
  


"How expensive was that suit?"

"Don't rip it off, I like it."

"Fine, fine."

He doesn't know how they manage to not jump at each other in the cab that's taking them home, but he makes sure to leave a large tip to the driver for putting up with their gross fifteen-year-old-in-love behaviour.

When they finally get back to Kai's place, they both have to remind themselves not to harm the suits.

"God, Kenma-" Kai breathes against his forehead once he's thrown on the bed, legs spread with the taller man hovering over him, a look of complete adoration on his face.

So, they end up not harming the suits because they're now thirty-four and thirty -five year old adults who remember the worth of the things they buy, but it comes close to being a failure when one of the buttons on Kenma's shirt refuses to be cooperative.

"I know, but could you please hurry."

It doesn't come off as a surprise that Kenma's as demanding in bed as he is in life. He's blunt, and sincere, and he doesn't hide it when he doesn't like something. In relationships, communication is key, and if Kenma doesn't talk a lot, he says enough.

"We're going slow tonight."

"Don't you think the whole party was a _very_ , _very_ , _very_ , slow foreplay?"

"Nah," Kai smirks and god, this man is going to be the death of him.

In his life, Kenma has had three types of lovers. First. The rushing ones, who wanted things to go hard and fast. Efficient in an almost chirurgical way. Second. The boring ones, who wanted Kenma to decide what they would do. Practical to satisfy his own needs, pretty bad if you're looking for a connection. And finally. The loving ones. Or more accordingly _one_ , who always managed to break him apart and put him back together with his gentle touch, his soft kisses and his stupid tender words.

“Please, Kai.”

Because Kai is similar to the trees he saves during the day, he does not flinch when Kenma starts being desperate, grinding against him in a desperate attempt to get some friction. And sometimes, just sometimes, when it’s like this and they hold each other so tight that they might break each other bones if they were to squeeze just a tiny bit harder, sometimes, when they get like this, Kenma can feel an instant pang of regret for not giving up sooner, for not loving him sooner. 

“Shhh, let me take care of you.”

“You always take care of me. Even back then- in high school.”

Kai smiles against his ribs and kisses each bone, ripping groans from his lover’s throat before going back up to drown in Kenma’s golden eyes. 

“I very certainly did not take care of you in high school.” 

“You think I could have survived in this team, with Kuro, Yaku and Lev without you?”

“Yes, you’re strong like that.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Mh, get back to what you were doing.”

“You’re strong, Kenma,” Kai repeats and he starts kissing his jaw, his throat, slowly, agonizingly slowly, “so, so, so strong.”

But the truth is, Kai is the strong one, the one Kenma thinks about when he needs to ground himself, the one he goes to when he has to make a rational decision. Of course, he doesn’t tell him. He doesn’t tell him because he knows Kai won’t listen, that for all his soft, kind words, these words are only ever directed towards others, never himself. 

Maybe it’s because he had to sit next to Tora getting married, maybe it’s because Kenma’s definitely drunk, on expensive wine or on love, no one really knows. But it doesn’t matter why, because when he pins Kai under him, he thinks for an instant ‘ _Fuck, I’m part of the loving type now, am I not?’_. 

“I’m strong, and I’m stronger thanks to you,” Kenma mumbles against Kai’s throat. It’s an admission, almost a confession, and maybe they haven’t said the three fatal words yet, but they both feel it. The. Love. Tonight. (Fuck Tora and his stupid playlist)

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Kenma usually doesn’t take charge in bed. For all he’s bossy in his everyday life, he’d rather lay on the sheets and let Kai do most of the work (it’s an anxiety thing and Kai had only smiled reassuringly at the admission with his usual soft eyes and a warm, tender, loving, hug.)

“You didn’t have to.”

He kisses Kai’s chest, his sides, his arms, the tender skin of his forearm.

“You being _you_ is just enough.”

He slides lower and lower. Maybe now he understands why Kai always insists on taking his time. 

“You have _no idea_ just how important you are to me.”

“Kenma-”

“I feel less lonely now that you’re in my life for real.”

And he can feel his own heart bursting inside of his chest, millions of pieces catching fire and turning into ashes, and ashes, and ashes, until Kai groans and caresses the side of his cheek with the tip of his fingertips and smiles at him, and he smiles at him, oh god, this smile. And from the ashes, his heart rises up again, slightly bigger, warmer than before.

“I’ve never felt more complete than when I’m with you,” he finally whispers, moments later, his tongue against Kai’s pulse as he sucks on the skin of his stretched throat.

Is this what love feels like? Kai feels warm and soft around him, and it just feels right. They’ve done this at least a hundred times before, and Kenma can confidently say he’s seen every inch of Kai’s body, but suddenly, it feels like it’s the first time he sees him. Is this what love really feels like? 

“I used to think what I used to feel for- for the other ones, before you, was love. But I think it wasn’t.” 

And if Kai knows exactly how to make him fall apart, Kenma had never tried to do the same to his lover, had never tried to tell him everything that was going on his head, had never tried to show him exactly _how much_ he loved him. And so, for the first time since they’ve kissed each other twenty years ago, Kenma decides to be just completely honest with Kai, with himself.

“You’re the one who showed me what love is.”

He sees the light in Kai’s eyes, the way they shine, dilated and slightly wet, unfocused as he moans against his shoulder, and Kenma knows the feeling just too well. 

“You’re always taking care of me, but you know I’ll catch you if you fall too, right?”

“Fuck- I- Kenma- Love- _Ah_ , you.”

And how does he manage to not fall apart himself at the sound of this, whispered between two choked moans, Kenma wonders.

  
  


.

**_\+ i. comme des enfants_ **

_(that one time kenma invites them for no reason at all)_

  
  


.

  
  


“I think we should tell them.”

They’re respectively thirty-seven and thirty-eight when Kai brings it up. They’ve been dating for approximately three years and Kai’s stuff has been invading Kenma’s space ever since. And if Kuroo looks at the two toothbrushes sitting next to the bathroom sink, he doesn’t ask. He simply adds his own (the red one) and ignores the text Kenma sends him the following day. 

“I think they all know already.”

“Lev probably doesn’t.”

“It’s Lev.”

“I think we should invite them and tell them.”

Kenma grimaces but finally caves in, and god when did he become so weak? It’s Kai’s stupid smile, it makes his heart soft and he just can’t resist. Fool.

“Fine.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Oh Kai, you’re already here.” Kuroo says with a gigantic smirk on his face.

“Yeah I came to help Kenma with the cooking.”

They both know that Osamu is the one who will bring the food.

“Sure.”

“TETSUROU!” Bokuto’s voice comes from the corridor and Kuroo almost drops the bottle he’s holding when he hears him.

“I should definitely lock the door, you’re _all_ too comfortable with walking into my house without knocking.”

It’s the middle of summer so they all end up sitting on the grass in the garden when the bell rings for the first time today.

“I wonder who still bothers to ring.”

“Polite people, Atsumu,” Kenma groans when he gets up to open the door and is welcomed by the pleasant sight of Miya Osamu and Akaashi Keiji holding four full boxes of onigiris. 

“Sorry we’re late, we got uhm- lost.”

“No need to apologise.” Kenma smiles, eyes pointedly fixed on Akaashi’s neck where a very red mark is spreading. 

When they’re all gathered in the grass, onigiris sitting in the middle of their small circles, Oikawa hits his wine glass with a fork to catch everyone’s attention.

“So, what are we toasting to today?” he asks with a bright smile as he raises his glass towards the sky.

“I don’t know,” Taketora’s wife says.

“That’s true, Kenma, why did you invite us today?” Kuroo asks but something tells him he and Oikawa are just trying to help him by forcing him to make his big announcement (he’ll have to thank them later)

“Actually- I- Uhm- Okay.” He looks at all his friends, with their smiles and soft eyes (how did he not notice that they all had such _warm_ auras before?)

Kuroo and Oikawa are looking at him with their familiar-half grin, half-smile and somehow, Kenma thinks they _know._ Lev and Yaku are more lost but gentle in the way their eyes meet his own. They haven’t been around much lately so it’s only fair that they haven’t noticed. Osamu and Akaashi look at him with a tranquil smile, a steady gaze that is just _so them_ . They’re this rock, strong and unbreakable that they all look up to, and seeing their gentle smile helps grounding him. Bokuto and Atsumu have their usual passionate fire burning in their eyes, expectant and demanding and curious, and so very alive it makes Kenma feel a bit braver just by looking at them. Taketora and his wife make him smile a bit more confidently with the way they both tilt their head in a curious way when he looks at them. Fukunaga is smiling wickedly at Konoha and oh, they _definitely_ know (probably because Kai told them, Konoha being Kai’s best friend and everything) 

So he looks at them all, and he’s still scared, he’s still nervous, but they’re all here, smiling at him and his heart feels like it’s lighter and bursting at the same time. He is strong, but they make him stronger.

“I have something to tell you.” 

_They know that_ , he sighs internally. But if they notice his nervousness (they definitely do), they don’t make fun of it, probably because they can all feel that it’s actually something _important_ that shouldn’t be messed up with. 

And when his eyes land on Kai, a few meters from him, sitting between Lev and Oikawa, and he looks at him and their eyes meet, and Kai smiles, with that small smile that makes him close his eyes, and make his cheek slightly rounder, and when he tilts his head slightly in the way that says ‘ _It’s okay, I’ve got you. If you want me to say it, I can’_ , Kenma knows it’s the right thing to do.

They had decided Kenma would be the one to speak. 

So, he speaks.

“Kai and I are dating.”

There’s a loud gasp coming from Lev and a _slap_ sound from when Yaku hits his arm, giving him _that look_. 

There’s a peaceful silence for a few moments before someone clears their throat. 

“So, I’m going to say this on behalf of all of us,” Akaashi starts with a wicked grin (he might be strong, and smart, and reliable, he’s still Bokuto’s best friend which means he has to deal with two Miyas on a daily basis). “When did it start?”

“I guess- Uhm.”

“We started dating a few years ago. We confessed after Tora’s wedding,” Kai explains.

“Ha!” Kuroo screams as he points at Atsumu.

“But we started hooking up just after Yaku’s departure party,” Kenma continues.

“Oh my god.” Oikawa gasps but it’s quickly covered by Atsumu’s scream as he jumps on his feet and points his index finger towards Kuroo.

“I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU THEY MADE OUT BACK THEN AND YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME.” 

“WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK?” Kuroo screams back.

“I’m not even going to ask.” Kenma sighs, but he looks at Kai with an amused smile. 

  
  


-

  
  


“Just for the record, Atsumu cheated.” Kenma tells Kuroo when they meet in the kitchen, way later that night.

“What?”

“He walked on us. At Yaku’s party. That’s how he knows.”

“That’s why he started the betting pool,” Kuroo realizes.

“Probably.”

“That fucker.”

“Hm.”

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/yootasuke).
> 
> side note : the whole nekoma team+oikawa, akaashi, bokuto and konoha all end up leaving a toothrbrush in the kozume home. 
> 
> additional notes : kenma and hinata had a brief thing and kenma went to miyagi once to meet natsu, but it wasn't a relationship, he was just in love with hinata (and who can blame him) and i guess they hooked up once or twice when he was there. 
> 
> kuroo and oikawa are so in love *faints* okay so i love the idea of kuroo and aran because aran is bokuto's rival and so kuroo started hooking up with aran just as a challenge and got attached. too bad, aran didn't and so when kuroo broke up with aran, aran didn't actually really care and kuroo being the dramatic man he is, still isn't really over the fact that aran just said "okay" when he told him he was leaving him. now he's in love with oikawa and everything is beautiful, they travel a lot bc /distance/ but it's manageable and they're all busy anyway.
> 
> akaashi and osamu have never stopped hooking up after nationals and they fell in love very quickly after, yeah, osaaka canon and all. 
> 
> konoha and kai are BEST FRIENDS FOREVER because they both have to deal with annoying gremlins. konoha's love life is still blurry for me, but maybe he's ... *grimaces* straight. 
> 
> bokuto and atsumu are this big storm of a relationship but somehow they make it work. 
> 
> lev and yaku might be together, or maybe yaku was caught sleeping with iwaizumi and lev with kaori, or maybe both, who knows, really. not me.
> 
> HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!


End file.
